When the Answer is "NO"

Not every prayer receives a “yes” answer…..and yet, there can still be joy in a difficult journey.

In the Fall of 2016, one of our sons got two tickets to a college football game and invited his dad to go with him. It was hot, and I really didn’t want John to go. He had diabetes and a heart condition, and I was concerned. My sweet John loved his boys so much and he would do anything to spend time with them. When he got home that evening, he told me he sprained his right ankle. The sprain turned out to be a fracture which required extensive surgery. After all of that, John fell getting out of the bed due to his awkward mobility with the broken ankle. He fell on his left side, breaking the femur. He was non-weight bearing for months. He was always a hard worker, and he continued to work in his sales job from his bed, but it certainly was not easy. The diabetes slowed his healing, and it took a year before he was completely healed and ready to start walking again. Through that year, we had grown closer than ever before. I did continue to work because John was concerned that we should not let go of any income while he was on disability pay. But outside of work, we were together. When life events slow you down and all outside activities fall away, you have time to talk and really spend time together. I look back now see that God allowed us that special time in preparation for what was to come.

Right before Thanksgiving in 2017, John woke up with a very sore neck. He thought it was a “charley horse”, but it got worse. By the next day, he could not transfer from his recliner to his wheel chair. We took him by ambulance to the ER and John ended up in the ICU. He was hooked up to intravenous IV antibiotics to treat a massive infection in his neck. He was in the hospital for a week and seemed to be responding to antibiotics. They wanted him to remain on antibiotics and transferred him to a rehab hospital to continue receiving IV antibiotics and physical therapy to help him walk again. What they missed was the infection wasn’t just in his neck. There was infection growing in his lower spine that would eventually cause many abscesses throughout his mid-section. It would eat away two vertebrae in his back and by January of 2018, would cause paralysis as one large abscess pressed against his Vena Cava. Although the doctors missed it what was wrong, John had a growing sense that something was just very wrong.

At John’s request, he was sent to the hospital for tests the day after Martin Luther King Day in 2018 which showed the infection and the damage which was beyond repair. John was in the care of the Rehab hospital the entire time this infection (osteomyelitis) was growing until this terminal diagnosis. With the Lord’s help, I am not bitter. I have long since reconciled that when it is said that doctors “practice medicine” it is an indication that they don’t have all the answers and they don’t get everything “right.” John expressed his desire to go home on Hospice Care. Going home was all he wanted. He was exhausted after eighteen months of fighting a losing battle for his health. He told us that day that he was not afraid to die. He knew where he was going.

Because John remained strong in his faith throughout the final five weeks of his life, I was able to remain strong. It could have been much different if John had not been firm in his faith. You know that quote, “It was the worst of times and it was the best of times.” For the five weeks before John went home to be with the Lord, it was true. We knew the end was coming. We had a great hospice team to treat his pain and other medical issues with tenderness and professionalism. Our grown children showed up for their dad, spending precious time with him. Since their birth, they had been the lights of his life, and he loved spending time with them. Friends and family came to visit and pray with us. I had strength each day to meet his needs. John had many visitors. He was known for making people laugh with his funny stories. Even as the inevitable approached, he managed to entertain us with some of his funny stories. Each day was precious, and God’s peace surrounded us.

We were told to expect a turn before the end, and it came at the end of four weeks. Medications certainly helped but he was not up to visitors. He slept most of the time with the help of pain meds. I remember sitting by his bed one night as the children ate supper in the kitchen. It had been six days since he had made the downturn, and he wasn’t able to drink or eat. He was asleep, or so I thought. I had been cried my tears in private, but that night, I broke down crying and told him, “I just hate you are having to go through this.” I don’t know if he heard me or not, but looking back, I wonder if he let go of something in that moment. At ten minutes till midnight that night, John passed, surrounded by family. It was February 24th, but the hospice nurse who came had to mark down his time of death according to when she arrived, so it was February 25, 2018 – John’s 66th birthday.

Had I prayed for his healing? Yes! From the time John broke his ankle until he passed, I asked for his healing and health. One morning toward the end, I was praying and felt led to list my fears, and I included my fear of losing John through death. I felt the Lord impress the following in my heart. “Don’t fear death. Just be ready. At some point the most expedient way to total health will be through death.” I remembered Hebrews 9:27: “ And as it is appointed for men to die once…”. John didn’t fear death. John was going to be with God and enjoy total health. I could not wish him to stay in his tortured human form.

People aren’t kidding when they refer to their spouse as their other half. For our thirty-eight years of marriage, John had been my best friend, my provider, my sounding board, my sure and steady partner. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that we sometimes bickered like a brother and sister rather than mature Christians. We walked through the same life stresses that everyone else faces. I credit our mutual faith in Jesus Christ as the factor that kept our marriage alive and at stronger at the end that it had ever been. We Christians spend our marriages trying to learn how to be a better spouse, how to love our spouse like Jesus loves, etc….. No one teaches you how to live without your other half. I won’t belabor it, but it’s like losing your right arm and having to learn how to function with one arm. I can honestly say God has sustained me through these years. I confide everything to Him. I share my hurts, my joys, my needs with God every day. Do I have “tender spots?” Absolutely. After years, I finally figured out why holidays are hard; they bring back so many shared happy memories. But when I feel sad, I turn to God and tell Him “I need You, Lord.” I listen to scripture. And the sadness passes.

If one lives long enough, you will experience the death of a loved one. The difference is believers can draw closer and closer to our Heavenly Father through prayer and His Word. My faith was not diminished when God did not heal my John. I did not receive a “yes” answer. However, I felt God’s constant presence as we walked through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. I experienced joy even in the sadness. Prayer and God’s Word brings the peace and hope that only He can give. We played one of John’s favorite hymns at his funeral. “Peace Like a River” was written by a man who experienced the loss of his wife and children. Maybe that is why the lyrics resound so deeply during a time of loss. I am sharing just the first verse and chorus here. And I can state with honesty that it has been my prayer when the answer to my request was “No.”

When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.
Chorus:
It is well, it is well with my soul,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Are you struggling with a “no” answer to your prayer? God is faithful and will do for you what He has done for me. Kneel at the altar and pour out your heart, your hurt, your fears and uncertainties and allow Him to give His peace to your heart. Ask Him to heal your heart through the Word of God, and He will do it!